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Archive for March, 2013

So I’m on the road occasionally for my job and tonight I was asked by a server if I wanted a straw for my orange juice.  I know I probably looked a little disheveled.  The day was hectic, insanely wearing on the nerves for a variety of reasons, and my hair was likely frizzy, perhaps I even looked frazzled.  But I must ask, did I really look like I was a kid?

Granted, I DO understand that looking young is a blessing, but it’s a little weird in my opinion to be asked if I want a straw at 28…if I’m going to be asked if I want a straw, I’d like other kid privileges to be extended as well, i.e. playing in the balls at the McDonald’s Fun Room and getting discounts on food and tickets to events.  It’s not fair to grow so much in your youth that you exceed the height limit for all the activities that your friends are doing, especially at birthday parties or get togethers, and you end up having to stand with the moms because they won’t let you in. People don’t get that you actually are within the age range of playing in the fun room and just because you’re tall you’re excluded.   (youthful looking and tall, if I tweeted my hashtag would be “thingsicomplainedaboutgrowingup.”)

I’m just saying.  It’s not that I appreciate these qualities. You have to understand my reasoning—-I would love to have kid privileges again, but all of them please, not just a straw in my orange juice.  And also, kids’ meals with the toy.  You should not charge the extra so many cents or whatever it is for the toy.  That’s just stealing.  Preying on poor parents who are trying to quiet their kid down with the gift/lure of a toy.  Or the method my parents used, “You can open and play with the toy when you have finished your meal.” (toys were not an extra cost in those days)

That’s just good parenting.  Again, in my opinion.  Tease me if you like.  But I bring up a good point.  These fast food places just want more money, and are realizing they might be a dying industry in a growing world of health nuts.  So they charge extra money for a toy….it makes SO much sense!!! (Not.)

On another completely unrelated note, I saw an elderly gentleman in the hotel lounge, sitting in nearly the same spot as he was the year before when I was eating dinner at this hotel LAST year.  I decided to ask this year if he was an employee or a regular.  I didn’t ask him directly because he was in mid-conversation, but the very nice barista who asked me if I wanted a straw, also let me know that this older man in a leather jacket and a straw hat is actually the man that drives the shuttle to the Casino.  It is a ten minute ride to the Casino, but you’d have to pay me a good sum to make me go.  I am not a fan of gambling.  I would much rather save my money or spend it on something where I know I’m getting something out of it.  Giving up my money for chance? Sounds like a ponzi scheme to me…

Another familiar face in the lounge was an admissions counselor from another school who is probably in his 60s or 70s.  He is nice, but his demeanor makes me wonder if he has a life outside of his work.  Work is important, but when you get drained just hearing about what someone does in their day you either feel like you aren’t doing enough (despite knowing you work very hard) or that the person who is telling you about their day is running on accelerants.

I think I’d rather achieve success in a natural fashion, without stimulants, thank you.

And now, I think perhaps because of a lack of stimulants and a three hour drive to my destination, that my journal entry topic has taken on a mind of its own.

Ah well, I might just go with it.  I think I’m going to tell you about my morning and about St. Paddy’s Day weekend.

This morning, the reason everything was so harrowing, was because the college car got stuck in the snow and a safety officer and the director of campus safety had to help guide me out of the snow filled spot.  Then I had trouble finding a spot that was plowed and the bottoms of my pants and socks were wet.  I hadn’t worn my higher boots because I didn’t intend to be making deep treks through the snow.  Just was hoping to get through the slush in the parking lot and not ruin my regular shoes.  Then somehow, I ended up having to get a coworker to pick me up from a distant parking lot so I could actually avoid a ticket from leaving my car on main street overnight while being away.  But on the plus side, my diligence in getting this all taken care of early allowed me to get down to my destination before evening traffic got to its worst.

And St. Paddy’s Day Weekend.  It was a GREAT weekend.  I spent it with my wonderful boyfriend and we visited a local pub near where I live, watched a Bruins game into the afternoon and ate good Irish food for an early dinner.  We also visited a few of his friends in Nashua, played an entertaining card game called “Cards Against Humanity” and watched a terrible, but terribly funny horror movie called “Rubber,” about a tire that is possessed and has telepathic powers that he uses to kill his victims.

It’s just as silly as it sounds.  And we made tire jokes the entire movie.  (Pun fully intended.)

Well, I’m having difficulty staying awake, so I think I might retire early before my fair in the morning…

…Okay, I promise that’s the LAST tire joke I will use in this entry.  But I could also mention that it really has been a GoodYear since my very first college fair nearly a year ago.

Okay seriously, I’m quitting the tire jokes before I get numerous angry comments on my blog, lol, (though it might be worth it for a laugh)

Good night world! And as always, Be well! 🙂

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Tonight I was at the grocery store and asked for $10 cash back in quarters, and the guy behind me said, “Super pinball player aren’t ya?” And I said, “Yeah, but I tell everyone I just need the quarters for my laundry, you can keep that under wraps, can’t you?” And he laughed. 

Little did he know, I am not a very skilled pinball player, but I am excellent laundry folder.  I once got asked if I went to school to know how to fold so neatly. 

I remember the moment well, and the puzzlement I felt in thinking someone would actually consider paying money to go to school learn how to fold. 

The irony was too much.  I loved my college, but I never would have paid to take a class on folding. 

And then, it was my turn to laugh.

 
 

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So it’s been a little bit since I posted last, but in all fairness, my time was constrained.  I meant to post a Valentine’s related update but that failed due to a lack of internet at home.   Thankfully, recently a gracious neighbor has allowed me temporary internet access as she understands the plight of a woman in a long-distance relationship.

I had a few weeks also where I was worrying and stressing non-stop about my relationship with my boyfriend, but I came to a harsh realization that the worries were for the most part unfounded, and the stress was definitely self-induced.  I had a long conversation with a close friend who is a minister and though I’m not personally religious, I do identify as a spirtual being, and I still value the connection and continuous support of an individual to their spiritual and personal wellness.  If we do not mind our mind, it will get the best of us.

So, after this heart to heart with my good friend, who is much older, married and has several children and grandchildren, I recognized a few things.  My personality and character are that of a caretaker.  I delve deeply into the actions of caring for others, whether I realize it or not and ultimately find myself drained of physical and emotional energy after all is said and done.  A huge part of me has a hard time NOT being a caretaker, as it is so knitted into my being that I don’t know how to not be that way.

However, throughout the course of the conversation with my friend, I came to realize that if this behavior continues on the extreme level, I will continue to feel worse about myself.  I AM a strong individual, with goals and motivations, but somewhere over the course of these last six years, I misplaced those goals and motivations, and replace them with an obsession with caring for others.  I didn’t see this as the case at first, but I noticed some patterns beginning to emerge in my interactions with people.  I would become moody and morose when I wasn’t able to see people that I cared about as often as I would have liked, and the amount of time and energy I put into relationships did not match what other individuals would put into those relationships.  I’m not talking about material things here, I’m talking about time and effort and love.  These things were all that I ever wanted to give.  And all I wanted was to be loved back, but I was slowly discovering that my expectations were getting in the way, because I was putting forth so much energy and not receiving the same amount of energy in return.

Does an individual actually require the same amount of energy and effort in a relationship? I find this question difficult to answer, because a person’s expectations of what is truly occurring and what they think is happening, are two very different perspectives.  And romantically, men and women are very different.  In my case, I was discovering that my mindset and worries were overtaking my sense of self and sense of my relationship.

I don’t think it was that I hadn’t heard from him, it was that I was fixating so much on my relationship and not on enjoying myself outside of my relationship.  I had become extremely concerned about taking care of him and lost the concern for myself on an emotional level.

I would sit and stress about not having heard from my boyfriend (he would usually eventually call) and clung to the thought that I had done something terribly wrong.  It’s an awful feeling, even though I knew that I hadn’t done anything wrong, my negative awareness of myself and my thoughts was almost too much.  I had become obsessive compulsive in my thinking because of fears of what had happened in previous relationships.  (And everyone knows that allowing old relationships to cloud your view of present ones is disastrous)

What I was discovering, was that my own insecurities of fear, and loss and disappointment from times past had overwhelmed my self of sense worth.  I thought for certain that I was some sort of guilty party, that I wasn’t worth all that I am.  How could he be in love with me? I asked myself in the beginning of our relationship.  He reminded me, how could he not? He sees me as an amazing person.

And I do know, for the record, that I have amazing capabilities for helping others to heal emotionally.  I do know that I am an excellent communicator and writer and artist.  My skills are not perfect, and they are growing all the time, but what I now that I’m struggling with, is something that might take me a lifetime to get over.  I have already recognized that some of the negative thoughts creep back in, despite the fact that I’m more aware of the problem now.  My goal is to see myself as an amazing person, to see the beauty that my friends see in me, and appreciate it on a healthy level.  And to come back to the things that I love, to read, write, and be creative as I once was on a regular basis.  I truly believe I will feel fulfilled if I am true to myself and love the person that I am, not be dependent on the love of others.  Being loved by others is important, but you cannot truly love others until you love yourself.

I am working on a plan to ease this mind-struggle and internal pain, but I know it will be a process.  I found a quote about a week ago, that I took down on a sticky note at work, and I am going to share it with you here.

“Failure will never overtake me if my desire to succeed is strong enough.” -Og Mandino.

This quote inspires me to keep at this battle because I know I have beautiful things in my life that I want to accomplish.  I know have amazing qualities as an individual and if I continue on a path of not recognizing my own self-worth, I will continue to be unhappy, and what’s the point in that?

At so many points in my life I felt like some people pushed me forward in a positive way and others were negative and condescending.  What I find ironic is how much attention I paid to the negative criticism.  On some levels, in terms of writing, it’s constructive, but on others, it becomes detrimental to an individual’s well being.  How did our society get this way? How did many of us become so self-loathing?

Sadly, I think our world encourages these states of being into fruition.  They fixate on “beauty” and “popularity” in media and everything else, and comparing ourselves in such a way that instead of comparing in a positive way, for example, “I love this, and oh you love it too! Let’s hang out!” It’s become more of, “I look this way and you look that way, and because of that, we can’t be friends.” It’s terribly sad and disgusting to me, and the actions are so ruthless, thoughtless, senseless.  I’m not sure how being human is positive when we act in that manner.

We need to be a more positive world.  We need to change that negative view of ourselves and encourage those who are hurtful to others to learn where that anger comes from and try to better themselves and love themselves so they don’t harm others anymore.

And I’m going to help out personally, by trying to better MYSELF in a positive way and to learn to love myself.  Sounds simple, but it isn’t always easy.

Concluding thoughts?

Stay strong, friends.  You are enough.  You are MORE than enough!

Love, Peace and Blessings,

CSCEnglishbabe ❤

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