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Archive for March, 2012

After having a few weeks of frustration with bills and health issues, I am slowly realizing that things will be okay. I’m feeling grateful today: I am grateful for wonderful coworkers, a wonderful job and all the students I work with every day. I have wonderful friends, and have begun to understand after all this time, it is the quality of those new and continuing friendships that I truly do appreciate, (not how many you have) I also have a few opportunities to get back into the theatre that I love and have missed so much, and on top of that, I live in a beautiful area. I am truly blessed and know it took me some time to get here, and that there are still things I am hoping for in the future that take more time to get to, but that ultimately, it will all be okay ūüôā ‚ô• I wish you peace¬†and love in your day today ‚ô• ūüôā

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So I have been thinking a lot about what I want in the future.¬† And I’m trying to not be “paranoid” about what will and won’t happen.¬† I just happened to see a post about a man who wants to be a father and how he and his wife have been trying, but have not been successful/or had a miscarriage.¬† And it saddens me that this happens.¬† It also makes me worry that because I’m twenty-seven and I haven’t found a guy that is ready for marriage and parenthood, that something similar could happen to me, and it makes me sad.¬† I am trying NOT to think like that, but it’s hard when I see people who have gotten married my age and more often than not (younger) and found love early, and they are either expecting or planning for families.¬† I feel behind, and people always say, “Oh you have all the time in the world!” But what I don’t like is how I have wanted to be a mom since I knew what pregnancy was.¬† Since before most of my friends wanted to be moms.¬† That started for them when they were in high school.¬† I matured very early, and had a brother MUCH younger than me, I was always maternally inclined.¬†

I knew I wasn’t going to be a teen mom or pursue it when I wasn’t ready, but I thought after college that I would find the perfect guy and we’d get married and have kids.¬† Nearly three years ago, I THOUGHT I found the perfect guy, but the relationship fizzled for a variety of reasons, and we fought too much for it to be successful.¬† And then for some strange reason, since then, I keep having guys be interested in me who are far too young, and I don’t necessarily mean in age, though the age has often matched the immaturity, but these men have thought I was much younger.¬† (which again, I know is a compliment) but it doesn’t mean that my body will coincide with the looks, my internal clock, I mean.¬† So I am VERY frustrated.¬† I am this older mind in a younger body with men who are disappointed with what they find in me.¬† And it hurts, incredibly.¬† I have overcome a lot in my life, but this experience that I’m seeking is a two person street, and I can continue to love myself, but if no man gives me a chance, then what do I have? Fertility treatments? I could never afford it.¬† Unless I get that book published and make millions.¬† But I would prefer to do it the natural way, to find someone and fall in love and decide that together we’d want a baby, and then create one.¬† Anywho…I’m sure this is awkward conversation for some people.¬† It’s just been on my mind.¬† And I half wonder if the feelings are a result of how I don’t always feel I fit in.¬† My environment where I live is beautiful.¬† I LOVE the area.¬† It feels safe, I feel like I am connected to the outdoors.¬† It feels even as if I am supposed to be here.¬† BUT, it’s very lonely.

And today was an example of how awkward I felt.¬† I waited patiently for someone who asked me to stay after a practice and waited half an hour for them, allowing other people to go first, and then after that time passed, they said they didn’t think I needed the extra assistance.¬† Which I suppose is a compliment, but not when you don’t feel comfortable with the work you’re trying to accomplish.¬† I didn’t feel like I was strong in it, and I was hoping she would just practice the piece with me.¬†¬† But this is how things tend to happen.¬† I often feel like I am the one that because I tend to do well independently, no one wants to consider me for other opportunities, or if I try and be assertive and ask, they say I’m not who/what they are looking for. ¬† This issue seems to carry over with men as well.¬† I’m a great friend to them.¬† And a part of them seeks this fantastical desire to pursue me, but half the time I get the sense that they want to treat me like a conquest, not as a woman to love.¬† It angers me, and I refuse to just be “another notch” on some man’s belt.¬† I am so much better than that.¬† And I can’t tell you how frustrating it feels that the men that I meet are either confused with their sexuality, (which I know is not their fault, but it doesn’t make my life easier if I am falling for them) or are incredibly sweet and flirtatious, and then you find out their dating someone, don’t want anything “serious”…or worse, they’re married.¬† I feel like I keep falling into the gosh-darndest worst of situations with romance.

And I don’t see myself in bars, or clubs, I’m just not that type of woman, and I’m incredibly apprehensive of dating sites, because there are just so many sketchy people out there, and I’d much rather meet someone in person, and not have them have an assumption of me and then be “disappointed.”

People tell me I have to have confidence in myself.¬† I do in a lot of regards, but relationships have been so unsuccessful for me, I tend to get stressed about them.¬† And it saddens me.¬† What I want most, is hardest to reach.¬† Some people have it and they don’t appreciate it.¬† I don’t get it.¬† At all.¬† Some people DO appreciate what they have, and I see it in how they are with their spouse.¬† But life is interesting like that.¬† At one point my mother said to me, “Maybe you will be one of those extremely successful women where her career is her primary focus.”¬† I remember pursing my lips and feeling that sour taste enter my mouth.¬† I don’t WANT to be that.¬† It’s a lonely life.¬† I’m already a writer, and that in itself is a lonely life.¬† And academic/material success can happen at any point in life, but a family, children, there’s only so much time for that.¬† And even if it’s only one baby, well I would take that.¬† Even if I had to be a single mom, I guess I could do that too, but it’s a lonely feeling I get at times.¬† Wanting so much, and having people say, “You’re so beautiful, of course you’ll find someone.”¬†

I don’t believe it.¬† If I was, surely I’d have someone, but truly, beauty is only skin deep, and I tend to figure out that some guys end up being creeps after a time.¬† And that I can’t tolerate some of the things they expect of you or that they view you as a piece of meat and not someone to be loved.¬† It has to be mutual respect.¬† I must be too old for my time.¬† And this is the other thing.¬† Some nights I am fine, doing things, enjoying life, and then these nights happen and all I want to do is curl up on my couch, listen to Adele and cry.¬†

Here’s the other thing.¬† I don’t think I could change how I feel about what I want in life.¬† If I did, I don’t think I would be me.¬† If I stopped believing in fairy tales, people would call it realistic, growing up, but I don’t believe it.¬† People LONG for fairy tales.¬† People LOVE fairy tales, and they learn from them too.¬† Life isn’t like fairy tales, because people end up deciding to be selfish, to not show love, to not be strong and just go for the girl that you love.¬† Women do that, like myself, and then I get the response of oh…”You’re not my type.”

I’m so tired of that.¬† I’m a good person.¬† I deserve better.¬† I’m a strong woman and so many men are intimidated by strong women, but if they knew, if they realized they’d be loved and appreciated just as much, if not more because they are not whiny, timid or passive.¬† I see this woman who comes to the gym with her husband nearly every day I’m there, and she is not bad looking, but her shoulders are slightly hunched over, and she walks around always looking like she thinks people are staring at her.¬† Her husband goes about and does his workout.¬† She meanders around looking uncomfortable, and tends to interrupt him during his workout and look in various directions at other gym members when she’s leaning in close to talk to him.¬† I heard her a few times when she came out of the weight room into the hallway where it was much quieter, and once she exclaimed, “I don’t want to do this, people are looking at me, will you stay nearby?”

All I can say is that I feel terribly for this woman.¬† She is so insecure she can’t go to the gym on her own.¬† She wants her husband to protect her.¬† I’m not against men protecting women, but this isn’t truly an issue of protecting.¬† This is an issue of a woman who is not strong enough in herself to overcome that fear.¬† And she clearly, consistently, relies on her husband for him to protect her.¬† She will work out a little, than stop, and go whisper to him.¬† This happens probably every five minutes for an hour unless he decides to go for a run. The other thing that I have to say about this is, I hope that I never become that fearful.¬† I know that I have suffered from anxiety in the past.¬† But I don’t want to be some trophy wife who can’t do anything without the approval of her husband or move forward with her exercise routine without asking her husband if he thinks people are staring at her.¬† On the outside, without these people speaking, you would never know this.¬† But it happens.¬† I am glad he brings her to the gym to get her activity, but I wish she could feel comfortable enough in her own skin to be successful on her own, and no longer be fearful.

So that was a bit of a tangent, but it was to make a point.¬† After all my battles, I have become stronger.¬† I do a lot of things on my own that many women are to afraid to do.¬† I have been there, I have been afraid of things.¬† I still cross streets of circumstances that I am terrified to walk near, but I have done it.¬† My only wish is that a man would recognize it in me, and find that it is something special enough to love.¬† I wish for a man that I can love for his strengths and weaknesses, and that would do the same for me.¬† If only this “beauty” could find her “beast.”

Some self-proclaimed wise people of this world would say that men like that no longer exist, nor did they ever exist.¬† But I don’t believe that they are an extinct or non-existent species.¬† I believe that men put this image in their mind that they cannot be like that, that it isn’t realistic.¬† But what is unrealistic about being kind to a woman, being chivalrous, being warm, loving, being a gentleman?¬† What is WRONG with that?¬† And for Pete’s sake:¬† Pull your pants above your butt crack.¬† It’s not sexy.¬† A man in a suit is sexy.¬† A man in a nice dress shirt, tie, or sweater is sexy.¬† You want women to look beautiful for you without any effort on your part as well?¬† I have a reality-check for you.¬†

Men of this world, GROW UP and be¬† MEN.¬† Be Gentlemen even, (you know you like the chivalry too.)¬† It makes you feel sexy, it makes you feel powerful.¬† So get on that!¬† And live life creatively, with the desire to make a difference in the life of the type of woman you want to pursue.¬† Am I that type of woman? If I am, make yourself known.¬† Because I have no idea you exist.¬† And that’s a sad thing, isn’t it? To have people think you don’t exist? Well, be the man to change that.¬† Be the man to make the right difference. ūüôā

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Acck! I’ve been bad, I’m supposed to write in this more often.¬†

But alas, I had to travel over the weekend, but, on a good note,¬†now the first big hurdle is over with.¬† Thank goodness!¬† Now the pressure is to mainly stay on top of things and be more organized. I totally didn’t print out directions like I thought I had. Overall the trip was fine, but per usual, I stressed myself out far more than I needed to.¬† I even had an anxiety attack yesterday morning and couldn’t eat my breakfast.¬† It’s a bit odd; I have not had anxiety in a long time, so I wasn’t certain what sparked it.¬† I had already done the first half of the college fair Sunday afternooon.¬† So it didn’t totally make sense for me to have one.¬†Not even sure what¬†I was nervous about…But oh well.¬† It happens.¬† And it¬†has passed.

And truthfully, I really found it was fun to be on my own.¬† There were a few moments when I was lonely, but it was kinda cool to be on my own and just watch TV.¬† I actually got to watch one of my shows live that I normally have to watch online because I don’t have TV.¬† I ate at the MVP Pub inside the hotel because the only other restaurant was not open on Sundays.¬† It was alright.¬† I don’t have the taste for a lot of fried food anymore, and that was primarily the menu, except for things filled with dairy which I cannot have anyway.¬† Luckily there was a very nice hotel manager who got me a nice bowl of plain pasta and a bottle of water, or¬†rather he ordered it for me and didn’t charge me.¬† I was relieved.¬† I didn’t have to¬†starve. And no I didn’t feel comfortable walking to the restaurants within a mile’s distance, Springfield MA is a little sketchy at night.¬† Not so bad during the day, but night was ehhhh…

oh and parking? FORGEEET ABOUT IT!¬† I kid you not, The¬†Sheraton was beautiful, but the parking areas left something to be desired.¬† There wasn’t much parking to begin with, and I had the hardest time parking,¬†and there were no arrows on the ground¬†explaining if something was one way, (they were all faded) so there were a few times when¬†I thought I was going to get hit.¬† And people love to honk if you are struggling to navigate into a spot that is tight and has a column in a strange place, that makes¬†pulling in¬†a little tricky.¬† And they don’t understand it.¬† Everyone is always in a rush.¬† Gotta love people!

So I boiled three eggs for lunch today.¬† Still a little hungry, but it happens.¬† It’s probably because I ate very little.¬† I was a little worried last night after getting home, because my side pain/discomfort returned, but I am wondering if it was related to the out of the ordinary fried food consumption on my travel trip.¬† My mom thinks maybe it is my gall bladder and that the docs have me misdiagnosed.¬† I am trying to stay positive though.¬† I really don’t want surgery.¬† As my favorite campus safety officer would say, “Love your gallbladder! Send it happy thoughts!”

Well I have to get back to work, my lunch break is over, but I did want to make sure it wasn’t assumed I was renigging on my promise to write more.¬† I’m also starting to experience the post lunch food narcolepsy that tends to happen after a meal.

Oh and¬†I should mention that the title of this post is related to the narcoleptic “tone” that has developed as a result of the post-food consumption experience.¬† One gets sleepy as their food digests, therefore, one might tend to mumble/ramble as a result of the sleepiness.¬† It’s probably why you shouldn’t try to do something productive after lunch, but as an artist, creativity can come spontaneously.¬† So here I am.¬† Being creative and spontaneous.¬† And spontaneously ending the gentle Rambles and Mumbles.¬† My I’m silly today.¬† It’s all good.¬† We all need to be a little bit more silly sometimes. ūüôā

Peace out cub and girlscouts!

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