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Archive for February, 2012

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I’m going back to writing. I’ve been making some good progress on my novel.

On another note, it’s fine if you don’t like Obama, but I’m quite tired of reading some of the negative things about the President on Facebook.

I remember when Bush was in office and I complained about him, specifically things about reproductive rights, people told me I was un-American. That I needed to shut my mouth and support the president.

I’m definitely not Un-American, and I still respected Bush because he was the leader of our country, even though I didn’t like what he did. Soo, what’s changed with the people who love to attack Obama? I’ll never call you Un-American. But personally, I think the respect should still be there when the shoe is on the other foot.

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So I finally got a better paying job and I swore that I would be back in the groove of finishing at least one of my writing projects this year.  I wonder if a part of me has feared approaching the projects or if I am simply lacking the confidence to believe the projects are worth finishing.  I know they are because I think about them often; my love of my characters is an appreciative one.  I often think of what they would do when approached with a particular situation.  I also wonder how I can pull myself away from making characters too “hopeless” too “unbelievable.”

I’ll admit that my current story is set in the future, in one I’ve imagined, based on current circumstances in the world and political issues that rise up and affect our every day lives.  It’s also quite different from any other piece I’ve ever written in that it is in a genre that I am unfamiliar.  I am sure people look at that as possibly a dangerous avenue to take, but I look at it as a challenge.  The only issue is that it is a challenge that I’ve been avoiding for almost six months because I was frustrated with how the writing was coming out, where the story was going and how my original intents were turning into something else that I wasn’t sure I liked.

I am trying to take the writing advice of one of my writing professors from college, that was advice his editor gave to him.  That was, to “kill your darlings.”  I’ve already made the decision to kill one of my major characters and I’ve narrowed down who the villain will be.  (This was harder than I expected, I had made too many people involved and it was confusing the first time around.)  Now the villain has a motive and the motive changes once he meets the main character because she has stepped into his life and been bringing change that he did not want or anticipate.  The mystery, and hopefully exciting revelation will be that it is not someone who she expected, and I just am eager to not make it too predictable.  I want to keep people guessing and excited, terrified and hopeful for the main character.

Well just this little bit of writing has helped me feel a little more motivated to write.  I will keep you updated on the progress 🙂

Peace!

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I am hoping and praying that my neighbors recognize that it is nearly 10:00pm.  I need to get some extra sleep and I probably should have gone to bed earlier, but stupid me couldn’t figure out why it was so quiet earlier.  They were out.  They’re really nice, don’t get me wrong, but I dislike that it seems to be when I’m my most exhausted that they either play loud music or are having sex where I can hear it, or are banging things in the kitchen.  Walls are fairly thin, sure, but seriously? People.  I need sleep.  Or.  I. Will. Be. Grumpy.

This week has been hectic and there have been a lot of students visiting because of February vacation in other states.  As a result, we are busier than usual, and having gotten used to a slower pace, I was “unprepared” if you will, for the mass amount of people.  I have never liked congestion.  And I tend to feel uncomfortable in crowded spaces.  Our little office has felt crowded this week.  I feel a little off balance.  I’ve always been sensitive to energies, so that is probably a big part of it.  I LOVE working with the kids, I just prefer a one on one setting versus big groups.  But I’ll get used to it eventually.  I have never been a city girl.  Though a small part of me has always wanted to live in New York City.  Something magical about it.  But the more I live in Nowhere, NH and then go back to visit my parents, the more I want to hide out in the boonies.  There’s air to breathe and natural beauty to see.

Dang it, I’m becoming more and more like a hermit every week I’m here, but it’s a good feeling.  The solitude is helpful artistically and mentally.  And I’m still quite a social creature.  I love my colleagues and love to visit other departments when all my work is completed or I need a break from sitting for so long at the computer.  It’s all a good thing.

I’m still working on budgeting.  I keep scaring myself with the cost of everything.  I feel so poor.  Rent, utilities.  I can’t afford cable.  It would be a waste of money for me.  I don’t know how others who make what I make can afford extra stuff like that.  But the online purchasing has to stop.  I can’t afford stuff any more.  Baaarely skating by now.  I don’t want to continue on like this.  So I hid my debit and credit cards and am going to continue to triple think about anything that I might want to buy.  Want is no need.  Want is this stupid desire we humans have that causes so many problems in the world.  Some selfishness can be good.  But when it comes to surviving.  Selfishness with wants is something that has to be obliterated.  But anywho, that is my non-specific rant for the night.  I think my neighbors are going to bed, which means I’ll be able to go to bed now.  Forgive these tired eyes if there are errors in the morning.

A busy next two days.  Lots of students coming! And I am going to plan some creative writing ventures for this weekend so as to not focus on the desire to spend money.  I can make do with what I have in the fridge, it just might not be ideally what I would like, but it’s food.  It will get me by.  And now I have plenty of organic eggs from my mom.  I have all sorts of options.  And I am hoping the next two days since we have events, lunch will be provided so I can save some food for other meals.  Oh the joys of living on your own for the first time! I love many parts, but grumble at others.  The lack of money being one of them.

Note to self: read this before driving home from work, so you’re not tempted.

TEMPTATION LEADS TO BAAAD THINGS.  Like being BROKE! So NO SPENDING!

*coughs*

That powerful emphasis was really more for me than anyone else, but if it helps you, you can chant along too 🙂

Sweet dreams and goodnight world! Peace! 🙂

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Lunch Time Ramblings…

I know my system is supposedly digesting my lunch and that is why I’m tired, but it really doesn’t help for productivity. 

I need a haircut.  My hair is getting too long again. 

I have to start traveling for work in March; the OCD person in me is stressing a little about getting things organized for that.  I am slightly concerned I won’t have everything in order and will forget something.  And I’m a bit nervous about driving in places where I am unfamiliar.  Less so of the Vermont trip because I have been through Vermont before, but Connecticut, I’ve always been a passenger while driving through it, not actually the driver.

A part of me is not quite itching for spring, just because our winter has been short, But I wish it was a teensy bit warmer, and I’m not a big fan of summer, but I am hoping to be surprised by summers in the NH mountains.    Maybe they will be cooler and maybe less mosquitos.  I do not like mosquitos.  I understand they are part of our ecosystem and there are some birds that really rely on them for food, but it doesn’t mean I have to like them, lol

In other news, I was peeking through facebook last night, waiting for some of my games to regain energy, and I happened to notice someone posted on a page that I follow.  I clicked the link, and the person posting was asking for someone to talk to.  Now normally I wouldn’t respond to a request like this, but I got a feeling that it was important, and I followed my instincts.  I messaged the young man and he wrote back. 

We talked for about an hour on facebook chat.  He is into paying attention to the natural energies around us, much like I am and was concerned that he was falling into the negative energies far more than the positive ones.  And he was frustrated and wondered if there was a way in which he could remedy this.  I thought about his request a moment and realized why I had answered this man’s call for help.  He really did need someone to talk to, yes, but this was something I am fairly knowledgable about.  I basically told him to visualize buffering himself with a white ball of energy around him, positive energy and to do some deep breathing whenever he felt weighed down by his burdens.  I asked him also if he could take himself out of the situations that were stressing him, but he could not.  So I offered him the opportunity to speak with me as an outlet whenever he needed someone to talk to.

Normally most people wouldn’t do this, but again, I was pulled in by something I couldn’t quite express, a positive thing.  This young man also offered me some advice.  He sensed that there was a heaviness, with my presence and I admitted that I had been experiencing tightness in my chest, from anxiety.  I knew the feeling well, but it always could catch me by surprise.  So, he asked me what was troubling me and I explained.  I have been worried about my first talk alone with a large group of parents and students.  He proceeded to ask me if I remembered what feeling compelled me to help him, and I said that I did. 

He said something to the effect of, “That feeling is what guides you to help people, just like you helped me, you will be helping those students, looking into their eyes and seeing uncertainty and fear about their future.  It is your job to ease those fears, and help them see if what you have to offer at your school is what they need.”

All these things are things I have known, but sometimes I find it is necessary to hear those words from a complete stranger, to recognize that these people will likely put more trust in you than fear.  They want a good future for themselves.  The parents want a good future for their children.  If I do my best, that’s all I can really do right? I am starting to believe it, slowly, but at least it’s another start. 

Baby steps, I keep telling myself, little baby steps and eventually it will all come together.  I am here to help people, to make a difference in their lives and help them pursue their dreams.  And that’s, a good feeling!

Now my lunch break is over, I’ve got to get to a meeting, later all! 🙂

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President’s Day Weekend

Today my grandparents came up to my apartment.  We went to Walmart and I introduced my grandmother to the show “Once Upon a Time.”  Absolutely love that show.  The latest episodes are on ABC and hulu if you would like to see them.

I was also pretty sing-songy today.  After I went to Zumba, which totally kicked my butt, by the way, I just felt in an all around good mood.  Gotta love endorphins!  I’m currently reading The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein.  A good read so far, through the perspective of a dog.  I can’t think of too much to write right now, mainly because I’m tired, but I am trying to change a few things in my life.  I’m taking baby steps.  I really need to get back into my creative mode.  I’ve written a few poems, but I keep pushing my big dreams to the back burner, not entirely sure why.  It’s probably that big confidence button that I hesitate to push and allow myself to believe that I can succeed.  It’s really weird actually how I have held myself back.  People do that a lot I think.  And after a failed attempt at another romantic relationship, I’ve decided to realign my focus with creativity.

After all, forcing love is not the way to get it.  So I’m hoping that things will start to look up.  And for once, I’m beginning to do things for myself, in a healthy way.  Trying to eat better, exercising more.  If I could only figure out the really bad acid reflux part.  Even though I thought I avoided acidic foods tonight, my turkey dinner came back up in my throat–Love this:(.  I’m terrified of dying young (one of my friends had a mentor/friend who just died of esophageal cancer and she was only 33.  I’m 27 and terrified of the same thing happening to me.  At least I’ve started medication this week to help, and am keeping tabs on the reflux.  Trying to take care of my health once again, next step, getting the courage to go to the dentist.  >_>

So for the last few years since I graduated from college, my blog had been a series of angry, depressed rants, a lot of them valid based on my situation at the time, but likely appearing “too confessional” or “whiny” to some.  Well folks, it is my blog, where I’m allowed to write what I want, and truthfully, I’m not ashamed of what I’ve written.  Blogging is helpful to me.  And writing is how I “sort” through things in my head.  The past was cathartic.  And I am grateful for it.  Not everyone has to follow a “set example” of how to “cope.”  And I am appreciative of the big and little things that helped me move forward.  So in conclusion, writing for me, blogging, was necessary.  It was an experience I had to have in order to get where I am.  Some people don’t get that, but that’s fine; everyone has their own way.  I was at that point, seriously depressed.  Depression doesn’t leave you, but you takes strides to move through it, and conquer it.  Mine was a lot of spiritual reading and meditation, and reliable, good friends who didn’t give up on me because they “couldn’t handle me.” And to those friends who didn’t give up, Thank You.

Depression is a terrible disease and it clouds your ability to see your own potential.  My only hope is that haven’t wasted too much time and that I can still work toward pursuing my dreams.  So I’ve been making the changes.  Let’s see where the new efforts take me.  Starting with writing more, even though this is a journal and not one of my more artistic pieces, it’s still a start. 🙂

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New Blog, New Job

No, I won’t be deleting the old posts.  I am not someone who erases my past or insists I wasn’t who I was back then or whatever.  I have made my mistakes.  And I generally admit them.  There will be no celebrity cover up here.  I will admit that posts were sad frequently, but I was depressed.  I think that’s a valid reason for writing sad posts.  I’m not someone who bottles everything up and insists I keep it private.  Perhaps that might be logical, but it also isn’t me. I tend to heal more successfully by talking things through with other people.  And blogging can be therapeutic for that.  Though I think one of my writing professors would be shaking his finger at that statement.  “Writing for therapy is not true writing” (loosely quoted)

Anyway, logging back in I noticed a few angry comments from someone who has since “unfriended” me on facebook.  She called my Liberal Rant a great many things and was irate that I complained.  The funny thing about this person is, she always came across as the most pompous, selfish person when she first moved to my home town.  But I was nice to her, because that’s just me.  She clearly came from money because she always had expensive things.  And what bugs me the most is that as much as she complains about my politics, about my “moaning” she doesn’t know my personal life.  I wouldn’t dare sit there and judge her about everything under the sun.  And MY reasons for not being republican are based on MY experiences.  I’m not republican because of a lot of the things that they support that basically go against my personal beliefs and how I was raised.  And I respect that other people are republicans, it’s their personal choice.  But ASSUMING that you know how someone ELSE is supposed to feel? ASSUMING that they don’t have a right to complain or cry or whatever? That’s being emotionally ignorant.  And I admit, I don’t know everything about politics.  I only know about my OWN experience.  And I’m not asking her to specifically pay for things that I have to pay for.  I was simply lining out the the stupidity of the situation regarding health care.  That we shouldn’t have to be fighting this battle to protect our health, and our civil, human rights amongst people who know NOTHING of our personal battles.

I was not anticipating logging in and seeing that, but the original purpose of my post was to not only start blogging again, but also to share the news that I have been in a new job for a few months and it’s been quite successful.  I’m an admissions counselor for a college and so far I love what I do.  I work with students and I feel like I’m making a difference.  It’s still customer service to an extent, but it’s not as barbaric as my old retail company was.  And if that same girl who had the nerve to comment three different times, thought that what I went through in retail wasn’t worth complaining about, she should speak to some of the people that still work there, and deal with maybe just 10% of the crap we put up with every day.

I think she might crap her parents or get fired within the first day because she probably couldn’t handle it.   You just don’t do that.  You don’t assume you know everything about someone else’s life.  And throw your reasons for why you think your beliefs are superior without TRULY knowing the story.  You get angry without having “walked two moons in another person’s moccasins” as the saying goes.

Honestly.  I know this girl works hard.  I know she’s very smart.  This girl was always an honors and AP student.  But she—you out there—your “worldly” experience among the “poor” that you think are so undeserving is misguided.  Not all of them rip off the system.  Most of them struggle to pay rent from month to month and barely make their payments to all their other bills because no one wants to push any more pennies out of their corporate wallets to add a little raise to a minimum wage job, but they want to give a new CEO a 2 million dollar bonus.  No, to me, that does NOT make sense.  Especially when they also want to charter his flights back and forth from Philly to Chicago.  THOSE types of decisions, that type of “holding on to a wallet,” is what partly puts people into poverty in the first place.

I’m not making much more than my previous job, but I LOVE what I am doing.  I am making a difference.  And if it gives you such a cramp to pay a little extra to help out other people than maybe you need a some emotional re-training.  Seriously, I am DONE with people like you who think you know every little thing about my life when I never did a THING to you in high school, and was anything but kind.  But you decide that because you think that you worked somehow harder than someone else that you deserve more.  Sitting behind a desk is nothing.  Really.  I’m doing that for a job now, and retail caused me MUCH more stress, being on my feet all day, running around and dealing with SCREAMING customers.  YES, Screaming.  Sometimes Yelling, sometimes stern voices, sometimes, I’m going to make sure you get fired unless I get what I want.  But bad enough.  You really have no idea.  You and your Gucci purses.  Geez…

I still have a different type of stress in my new job, a mental stress because people’s futures are in my hands and that is important to my success in my field as well as theirs.  But the physical demands in retail (which also cause severe mental stress) are significantly worse than a desk job.   I can’t tell you how much healthier I was before retail.  And how long it’s taken to get healthy again.

And depression is REAL.  I suggest you read up on it and learn a bit more about how to approach what you say before you assume someone is “moaning.”  There is no tact anymore.  And you’re a perfect example.  You’re one of those people who would insist bullying doesn’t happen in schools.  Another load of crap.  I’d love to stick you in every situation I experienced with racism for being mixed and then hear what you have to say (And the bullying too, it’s WONDERFUL to have people make fun of you because you can’t comprehend a certain type of problem.)  And also about how much I had to deal with in regards to my clothes because they were all hand me downs.  In fact I think YOU made some comments on my clothes once.  They looked “old.”

Well, I hope it was worth it. Taking the time to be so angry over my post.  I did “warn” that it was a liberal rant.  If it causes you heart palpitations you should stay away.   And you know, I really did respect you, despite your initial impression of being bossy and snobbish.  I was willing to give you a chance.  But stooping that low to insult me? I hope I never hurt someone like that.  I hope you figure your issues out and feel better.  Seriously I do.  I don’t wish negative things for people.  I just hope they can improve and feel better.  And I hope you, old friend, feel better soon.

To my regular readers, hopefully tomorrow’s entry will be less angry.

Peace and Blessings, World!

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