Archive for March, 2009

I wonder if I’ll ever make it sometimes.  I wonder if these mornings are all going to run together one day and wonder if I’ll end up forgetting what day it is, and who I am.  Will I work in retail for the rest of my life? Will I process checks and payments and sales and be badgered for how few Sears credit applications I get in a dying economy.  And how if I don’t improve, even though I do well against those who only get the five they need to get paid.  (I got 39 last month and 53 the month before) apparently only getting 39 meant I was sixteen below.  I’m “in the negative.”

And those who don’t can’t “consistently perform” will be put on “PPI.”  Something about performance review.  And the team can’t keep cashiers who “don’t perform.”

So we’ll get fired if we don’t get enough credit apps? I asked my boss last night.

“Well not really,” she said, and tried to explain it better by putting the same phrase in slightly different words.

Of course, I thought to myself.  Jobs are scarce enough, they’re going to start firing people because they can’t get people to sign their life away with a credit card.

So yes, I wonder where the heck I’m going in my life.  I wonder why some days I’m happy and others I’m questioning my life choices and how I’m working at Sears when I graduated with honors and supposedly got a great education.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved going to CSC, but I’m unhappy that I wasn’t better prepared for getting a job post graduation.  I was a commencement speaker; I write very well, I can analyze thanks to my English degree, and I am comfortable communicating with people and can sell thanks to Theatre and Retail.  And where am I still? In retail.  Somehow I’m JUST not enough.

There’s a quote on a chocolate wrapper I’ve gotten frequently, and it keeps making me think.  It’s something like, “the greatest successes come after the greatest disappointments.” and I have to wonder what it is I’m “waiting for,” what I have to do to find that “greatest success.”  As I’ve probably stated before on here, to take the opportunity to just jump and go for acting and writing and see where I end up, I would do, if the economy wasn’t crippled.  I want to actually SURVIVE in this world, and if I just go and “follow my dreams” with no foundation in site, especially with no promise of any job, I’d likely end up in a pit on the side of the road barely able to call for help.  I can’t do that.  And I’m not irresponsible enough to do that.

But if I COULD get a job with just the snap of my finger if something didn’t pan out well on the acting and writing front? I wouldn’t give a moment’s hesitation.


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