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Archive for November, 2008

I find I am utterly frustrated with myself.  I crave romantic love in an ardent way, but yet, I am so terrified of going out and just going for it, because in so many times past I have this repeating tendency to either grow tongue tied or have a panic attack, because it’s new and I don’t know what to expect.  

I don’t want to be alone forever, but I’m scared that I could be.  And I wish I didn’t obsess over what the other person could be thinking.  Or about pleasing them.  Because somehow I usually end up being “too clingy” as one close friend called me, another “too worrisome.”  Ever find it funny that you never hear someone say, “Oh you act too much like a whore, tone it down a bit?” or “You need to stop being so confident.”  

but yet, these are the women that seem to attract the handsome, intelligent men.  I half wonder, despite the fact that I’ve been told I’m attractive, despite the fact that I’ve been told I’m well endowed (in the bosom area, which all these women I meet argue with me about because they insist it’s sooo important, but it hasn’t helped me in any regard to finding a male mate), despite the fact that I’m intelligent, and talented in art-related activities, despite how often I’m told, I’m the sweetest most loving, understanding person you’ll ever meet, somehow I’m still the one no handsome, strong, intelligent young man seems to see, as more than a friend of course.  Granted I’m not a stick figure and I don’t have a model body, but I’m loving and caring and I will go to the ends of the earth to make someone happy.  I love willingly and with deep devotion.  

And yet, I’m still alone.  I’m sure this sounds whiny and silly; I’m sure you’ve heard it all before.  But this young woman is almost 24 and she’s never been kissed.  She’s never felt love or been given the chance.  And she keeps hearing she has all these qualities, these “rare, lovely qualities,” but she remains to be discovered no matter how blatantly she stands in the middle of the street waving her arms frantically saying “HERE I AM! And I’m SINGLE!”

In terms of my career, I’m at a mental standstill, limbo, you could say.  I’m not sure what I want to do.  And I thought after a year, I’d have an epiphany.  No such luck yet.  I suppose someone wise would say, a symphony doesn’t come to a composer overnight.  I hope this doesn’t mean everything in my life is at a standstill.  You know, to be honest, I’ve been fairly positive on the romantic front, I haven’t been dwelling much on what I don’t have, figured, I’ll let it happen.  And then I saw someone handsome, with beautiful eyes, who is intelligent, from my past that I always admired, and he made me melt again, and I wanted desperately to be seen for once, to be chosen, and fallen in love with.  

And thinking about all these things, made me feel rather lonely tonight…so forgive me if I don’t seem my regular perky self.  I got a bit distracted and dazed by the confusing, ever contemptible human condition and its corresponding “mushy” emotions…and just was hoping I could soon fill that void with the love of that missing person I want so much to love…

sweet dreams everyone and wishing everyone peace and love!

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