This is a copy and paste from my facebook, but I wanted to share it just the same :)

After having a few weeks of frustration with bills and health issues, I am slowly realizing that things will be okay. I’m feeling grateful today: I am grateful for wonderful coworkers, a wonderful job and all the students I work with every day. I have wonderful friends, and have begun to understand after all this time, it is the quality of those new and continuing friendships that I truly do appreciate, (not how many you have) I also have a few opportunities to get back into the theatre that I love and have missed so much, and on top of that, I live in a beautiful area. I am truly blessed and know it took me some time to get here, and that there are still things I am hoping for in the future that take more time to get to, but that ultimately, it will all be okay ♥ I wish you peace and love in your day today ♥

If Only “Beauty” Could Find Her “Beast”…

So I have been thinking a lot about what I want in the future.  And I’m trying to not be “paranoid” about what will and won’t happen.  I just happened to see a post about a man who wants to be a father and how he and his wife have been trying, but have not been successful/or had a miscarriage.  And it saddens me that this happens.  It also makes me worry that because I’m twenty-seven and I haven’t found a guy that is ready for marriage and parenthood, that something similar could happen to me, and it makes me sad.  I am trying NOT to think like that, but it’s hard when I see people who have gotten married my age and more often than not (younger) and found love early, and they are either expecting or planning for families.  I feel behind, and people always say, “Oh you have all the time in the world!” But what I don’t like is how I have wanted to be a mom since I knew what pregnancy was.  Since before most of my friends wanted to be moms.  That started for them when they were in high school.  I matured very early, and had a brother MUCH younger than me, I was always maternally inclined. 

I knew I wasn’t going to be a teen mom or pursue it when I wasn’t ready, but I thought after college that I would find the perfect guy and we’d get married and have kids.  Nearly three years ago, I THOUGHT I found the perfect guy, but the relationship fizzled for a variety of reasons, and we fought too much for it to be successful.  And then for some strange reason, since then, I keep having guys be interested in me who are far too young, and I don’t necessarily mean in age, though the age has often matched the immaturity, but these men have thought I was much younger.  (which again, I know is a compliment) but it doesn’t mean that my body will coincide with the looks, my internal clock, I mean.  So I am VERY frustrated.  I am this older mind in a younger body with men who are disappointed with what they find in me.  And it hurts, incredibly.  I have overcome a lot in my life, but this experience that I’m seeking is a two person street, and I can continue to love myself, but if no man gives me a chance, then what do I have? Fertility treatments? I could never afford it.  Unless I get that book published and make millions.  But I would prefer to do it the natural way, to find someone and fall in love and decide that together we’d want a baby, and then create one.  Anywho…I’m sure this is awkward conversation for some people.  It’s just been on my mind.  And I half wonder if the feelings are a result of how I don’t always feel I fit in.  My environment where I live is beautiful.  I LOVE the area.  It feels safe, I feel like I am connected to the outdoors.  It feels even as if I am supposed to be here.  BUT, it’s very lonely.

And today was an example of how awkward I felt.  I waited patiently for someone who asked me to stay after a practice and waited half an hour for them, allowing other people to go first, and then after that time passed, they said they didn’t think I needed the extra assistance.  Which I suppose is a compliment, but not when you don’t feel comfortable with the work you’re trying to accomplish.  I didn’t feel like I was strong in it, and I was hoping she would just practice the piece with me.   But this is how things tend to happen.  I often feel like I am the one that because I tend to do well independently, no one wants to consider me for other opportunities, or if I try and be assertive and ask, they say I’m not who/what they are looking for.   This issue seems to carry over with men as well.  I’m a great friend to them.  And a part of them seeks this fantastical desire to pursue me, but half the time I get the sense that they want to treat me like a conquest, not as a woman to love.  It angers me, and I refuse to just be “another notch” on some man’s belt.  I am so much better than that.  And I can’t tell you how frustrating it feels that the men that I meet are either confused with their sexuality, (which I know is not their fault, but it doesn’t make my life easier if I am falling for them) or are incredibly sweet and flirtatious, and then you find out their dating someone, don’t want anything “serious”…or worse, they’re married.  I feel like I keep falling into the gosh-darndest worst of situations with romance.

And I don’t see myself in bars, or clubs, I’m just not that type of woman, and I’m incredibly apprehensive of dating sites, because there are just so many sketchy people out there, and I’d much rather meet someone in person, and not have them have an assumption of me and then be “disappointed.”

People tell me I have to have confidence in myself.  I do in a lot of regards, but relationships have been so unsuccessful for me, I tend to get stressed about them.  And it saddens me.  What I want most, is hardest to reach.  Some people have it and they don’t appreciate it.  I don’t get it.  At all.  Some people DO appreciate what they have, and I see it in how they are with their spouse.  But life is interesting like that.  At one point my mother said to me, “Maybe you will be one of those extremely successful women where her career is her primary focus.”  I remember pursing my lips and feeling that sour taste enter my mouth.  I don’t WANT to be that.  It’s a lonely life.  I’m already a writer, and that in itself is a lonely life.  And academic/material success can happen at any point in life, but a family, children, there’s only so much time for that.  And even if it’s only one baby, well I would take that.  Even if I had to be a single mom, I guess I could do that too, but it’s a lonely feeling I get at times.  Wanting so much, and having people say, “You’re so beautiful, of course you’ll find someone.” 

I don’t believe it.  If I was, surely I’d have someone, but truly, beauty is only skin deep, and I tend to figure out that some guys end up being creeps after a time.  And that I can’t tolerate some of the things they expect of you or that they view you as a piece of meat and not someone to be loved.  It has to be mutual respect.  I must be too old for my time.  And this is the other thing.  Some nights I am fine, doing things, enjoying life, and then these nights happen and all I want to do is curl up on my couch, listen to Adele and cry. 

Here’s the other thing.  I don’t think I could change how I feel about what I want in life.  If I did, I don’t think I would be me.  If I stopped believing in fairy tales, people would call it realistic, growing up, but I don’t believe it.  People LONG for fairy tales.  People LOVE fairy tales, and they learn from them too.  Life isn’t like fairy tales, because people end up deciding to be selfish, to not show love, to not be strong and just go for the girl that you love.  Women do that, like myself, and then I get the response of oh…”You’re not my type.”

I’m so tired of that.  I’m a good person.  I deserve better.  I’m a strong woman and so many men are intimidated by strong women, but if they knew, if they realized they’d be loved and appreciated just as much, if not more because they are not whiny, timid or passive.  I see this woman who comes to the gym with her husband nearly every day I’m there, and she is not bad looking, but her shoulders are slightly hunched over, and she walks around always looking like she thinks people are staring at her.  Her husband goes about and does his workout.  She meanders around looking uncomfortable, and tends to interrupt him during his workout and look in various directions at other gym members when she’s leaning in close to talk to him.  I heard her a few times when she came out of the weight room into the hallway where it was much quieter, and once she exclaimed, “I don’t want to do this, people are looking at me, will you stay nearby?”

All I can say is that I feel terribly for this woman.  She is so insecure she can’t go to the gym on her own.  She wants her husband to protect her.  I’m not against men protecting women, but this isn’t truly an issue of protecting.  This is an issue of a woman who is not strong enough in herself to overcome that fear.  And she clearly, consistently, relies on her husband for him to protect her.  She will work out a little, than stop, and go whisper to him.  This happens probably every five minutes for an hour unless he decides to go for a run. The other thing that I have to say about this is, I hope that I never become that fearful.  I know that I have suffered from anxiety in the past.  But I don’t want to be some trophy wife who can’t do anything without the approval of her husband or move forward with her exercise routine without asking her husband if he thinks people are staring at her.  On the outside, without these people speaking, you would never know this.  But it happens.  I am glad he brings her to the gym to get her activity, but I wish she could feel comfortable enough in her own skin to be successful on her own, and no longer be fearful.

So that was a bit of a tangent, but it was to make a point.  After all my battles, I have become stronger.  I do a lot of things on my own that many women are to afraid to do.  I have been there, I have been afraid of things.  I still cross streets of circumstances that I am terrified to walk near, but I have done it.  My only wish is that a man would recognize it in me, and find that it is something special enough to love.  I wish for a man that I can love for his strengths and weaknesses, and that would do the same for me.  If only this “beauty” could find her “beast.”

Some self-proclaimed wise people of this world would say that men like that no longer exist, nor did they ever exist.  But I don’t believe that they are an extinct or non-existent species.  I believe that men put this image in their mind that they cannot be like that, that it isn’t realistic.  But what is unrealistic about being kind to a woman, being chivalrous, being warm, loving, being a gentleman?  What is WRONG with that?  And for Pete’s sake:  Pull your pants above your butt crack.  It’s not sexy.  A man in a suit is sexy.  A man in a nice dress shirt, tie, or sweater is sexy.  You want women to look beautiful for you without any effort on your part as well?  I have a reality-check for you. 

Men of this world, GROW UP and be  MEN.  Be Gentlemen even, (you know you like the chivalry too.)  It makes you feel sexy, it makes you feel powerful.  So get on that!  And live life creatively, with the desire to make a difference in the life of the type of woman you want to pursue.  Am I that type of woman? If I am, make yourself known.  Because I have no idea you exist.  And that’s a sad thing, isn’t it? To have people think you don’t exist? Well, be the man to change that.  Be the man to make the right difference.

Springfield Travel Ramblings and More Lunch Time Mumblings :)

Acck! I’ve been bad, I’m supposed to write in this more often. 

But alas, I had to travel over the weekend, but, on a good note, now the first big hurdle is over with.  Thank goodness!  Now the pressure is to mainly stay on top of things and be more organized. I totally didn’t print out directions like I thought I had. Overall the trip was fine, but per usual, I stressed myself out far more than I needed to.  I even had an anxiety attack yesterday morning and couldn’t eat my breakfast.  It’s a bit odd; I have not had anxiety in a long time, so I wasn’t certain what sparked it.  I had already done the first half of the college fair Sunday afternooon.  So it didn’t totally make sense for me to have one. Not even sure what I was nervous about…But oh well.  It happens.  And it has passed.

And truthfully, I really found it was fun to be on my own.  There were a few moments when I was lonely, but it was kinda cool to be on my own and just watch TV.  I actually got to watch one of my shows live that I normally have to watch online because I don’t have TV.  I ate at the MVP Pub inside the hotel because the only other restaurant was not open on Sundays.  It was alright.  I don’t have the taste for a lot of fried food anymore, and that was primarily the menu, except for things filled with dairy which I cannot have anyway.  Luckily there was a very nice hotel manager who got me a nice bowl of plain pasta and a bottle of water, or rather he ordered it for me and didn’t charge me.  I was relieved.  I didn’t have to starve. And no I didn’t feel comfortable walking to the restaurants within a mile’s distance, Springfield MA is a little sketchy at night.  Not so bad during the day, but night was ehhhh…

oh and parking? FORGEEET ABOUT IT!  I kid you not, The Sheraton was beautiful, but the parking areas left something to be desired.  There wasn’t much parking to begin with, and I had the hardest time parking, and there were no arrows on the ground explaining if something was one way, (they were all faded) so there were a few times when I thought I was going to get hit.  And people love to honk if you are struggling to navigate into a spot that is tight and has a column in a strange place, that makes pulling in a little tricky.  And they don’t understand it.  Everyone is always in a rush.  Gotta love people!

So I boiled three eggs for lunch today.  Still a little hungry, but it happens.  It’s probably because I ate very little.  I was a little worried last night after getting home, because my side pain/discomfort returned, but I am wondering if it was related to the out of the ordinary fried food consumption on my travel trip.  My mom thinks maybe it is my gall bladder and that the docs have me misdiagnosed.  I am trying to stay positive though.  I really don’t want surgery.  As my favorite campus safety officer would say, “Love your gallbladder! Send it happy thoughts!”

Well I have to get back to work, my lunch break is over, but I did want to make sure it wasn’t assumed I was renigging on my promise to write more.  I’m also starting to experience the post lunch food narcolepsy that tends to happen after a meal.

Oh and I should mention that the title of this post is related to the narcoleptic “tone” that has developed as a result of the post-food consumption experience.  One gets sleepy as their food digests, therefore, one might tend to mumble/ramble as a result of the sleepiness.  It’s probably why you shouldn’t try to do something productive after lunch, but as an artist, creativity can come spontaneously.  So here I am.  Being creative and spontaneous.  And spontaneously ending the gentle Rambles and Mumbles.  My I’m silly today.  It’s all good.  We all need to be a little bit more silly sometimes.

Peace out cub and girlscouts!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I’m going back to writing. I’ve been making some good progress on my novel.

On another note, it’s fine if you don’t like Obama, but I’m quite tired of reading some of the negative things about the President on Facebook.

I remember when Bush was in office and I complained about him, specifically things about reproductive rights, people told me I was un-American. That I needed to shut my mouth and support the president.

I’m definitely not Un-American, and I still respected Bush because he was the leader of our country, even though I didn’t like what he did. Soo, what’s changed with the people who love to attack Obama? I’ll never call you Un-American. But personally, I think the respect should still be there when the shoe is on the other foot.

I need to get motivated….

So I finally got a better paying job and I swore that I would be back in the groove of finishing at least one of my writing projects this year.  I wonder if a part of me has feared approaching the projects or if I am simply lacking the confidence to believe the projects are worth finishing.  I know they are because I think about them often; my love of my characters is an appreciative one.  I often think of what they would do when approached with a particular situation.  I also wonder how I can pull myself away from making characters too “hopeless” too “unbelievable.”

I’ll admit that my current story is set in the future, in one I’ve imagined, based on current circumstances in the world and political issues that rise up and affect our every day lives.  It’s also quite different from any other piece I’ve ever written in that it is in a genre that I am unfamiliar.  I am sure people look at that as possibly a dangerous avenue to take, but I look at it as a challenge.  The only issue is that it is a challenge that I’ve been avoiding for almost six months because I was frustrated with how the writing was coming out, where the story was going and how my original intents were turning into something else that I wasn’t sure I liked.

I am trying to take the writing advice of one of my writing professors from college, that was advice his editor gave to him.  That was, to “kill your darlings.”  I’ve already made the decision to kill one of my major characters and I’ve narrowed down who the villain will be.  (This was harder than I expected, I had made too many people involved and it was confusing the first time around.)  Now the villain has a motive and the motive changes once he meets the main character because she has stepped into his life and been bringing change that he did not want or anticipate.  The mystery, and hopefully exciting revelation will be that it is not someone who she expected, and I just am eager to not make it too predictable.  I want to keep people guessing and excited, terrified and hopeful for the main character.

Well just this little bit of writing has helped me feel a little more motivated to write.  I will keep you updated on the progress

Peace!

Awaiting the quieting of the noisy walls…apartment living 101

I am hoping and praying that my neighbors recognize that it is nearly 10:00pm.  I need to get some extra sleep and I probably should have gone to bed earlier, but stupid me couldn’t figure out why it was so quiet earlier.  They were out.  They’re really nice, don’t get me wrong, but I dislike that it seems to be when I’m my most exhausted that they either play loud music or are having sex where I can hear it, or are banging things in the kitchen.  Walls are fairly thin, sure, but seriously? People.  I need sleep.  Or.  I. Will. Be. Grumpy.

This week has been hectic and there have been a lot of students visiting because of February vacation in other states.  As a result, we are busier than usual, and having gotten used to a slower pace, I was “unprepared” if you will, for the mass amount of people.  I have never liked congestion.  And I tend to feel uncomfortable in crowded spaces.  Our little office has felt crowded this week.  I feel a little off balance.  I’ve always been sensitive to energies, so that is probably a big part of it.  I LOVE working with the kids, I just prefer a one on one setting versus big groups.  But I’ll get used to it eventually.  I have never been a city girl.  Though a small part of me has always wanted to live in New York City.  Something magical about it.  But the more I live in Nowhere, NH and then go back to visit my parents, the more I want to hide out in the boonies.  There’s air to breathe and natural beauty to see.

Dang it, I’m becoming more and more like a hermit every week I’m here, but it’s a good feeling.  The solitude is helpful artistically and mentally.  And I’m still quite a social creature.  I love my colleagues and love to visit other departments when all my work is completed or I need a break from sitting for so long at the computer.  It’s all a good thing.

I’m still working on budgeting.  I keep scaring myself with the cost of everything.  I feel so poor.  Rent, utilities.  I can’t afford cable.  It would be a waste of money for me.  I don’t know how others who make what I make can afford extra stuff like that.  But the online purchasing has to stop.  I can’t afford stuff any more.  Baaarely skating by now.  I don’t want to continue on like this.  So I hid my debit and credit cards and am going to continue to triple think about anything that I might want to buy.  Want is no need.  Want is this stupid desire we humans have that causes so many problems in the world.  Some selfishness can be good.  But when it comes to surviving.  Selfishness with wants is something that has to be obliterated.  But anywho, that is my non-specific rant for the night.  I think my neighbors are going to bed, which means I’ll be able to go to bed now.  Forgive these tired eyes if there are errors in the morning.

A busy next two days.  Lots of students coming! And I am going to plan some creative writing ventures for this weekend so as to not focus on the desire to spend money.  I can make do with what I have in the fridge, it just might not be ideally what I would like, but it’s food.  It will get me by.  And now I have plenty of organic eggs from my mom.  I have all sorts of options.  And I am hoping the next two days since we have events, lunch will be provided so I can save some food for other meals.  Oh the joys of living on your own for the first time! I love many parts, but grumble at others.  The lack of money being one of them.

Note to self: read this before driving home from work, so you’re not tempted.

TEMPTATION LEADS TO BAAAD THINGS.  Like being BROKE! So NO SPENDING!

*coughs*

That powerful emphasis was really more for me than anyone else, but if it helps you, you can chant along too

Sweet dreams and goodnight world! Peace!

Lunch Time Ramblings…

I know my system is supposedly digesting my lunch and that is why I’m tired, but it really doesn’t help for productivity. 

I need a haircut.  My hair is getting too long again. 

I have to start traveling for work in March; the OCD person in me is stressing a little about getting things organized for that.  I am slightly concerned I won’t have everything in order and will forget something.  And I’m a bit nervous about driving in places where I am unfamiliar.  Less so of the Vermont trip because I have been through Vermont before, but Connecticut, I’ve always been a passenger while driving through it, not actually the driver.

A part of me is not quite itching for spring, just because our winter has been short, But I wish it was a teensy bit warmer, and I’m not a big fan of summer, but I am hoping to be surprised by summers in the NH mountains.    Maybe they will be cooler and maybe less mosquitos.  I do not like mosquitos.  I understand they are part of our ecosystem and there are some birds that really rely on them for food, but it doesn’t mean I have to like them, lol

In other news, I was peeking through facebook last night, waiting for some of my games to regain energy, and I happened to notice someone posted on a page that I follow.  I clicked the link, and the person posting was asking for someone to talk to.  Now normally I wouldn’t respond to a request like this, but I got a feeling that it was important, and I followed my instincts.  I messaged the young man and he wrote back. 

We talked for about an hour on facebook chat.  He is into paying attention to the natural energies around us, much like I am and was concerned that he was falling into the negative energies far more than the positive ones.  And he was frustrated and wondered if there was a way in which he could remedy this.  I thought about his request a moment and realized why I had answered this man’s call for help.  He really did need someone to talk to, yes, but this was something I am fairly knowledgable about.  I basically told him to visualize buffering himself with a white ball of energy around him, positive energy and to do some deep breathing whenever he felt weighed down by his burdens.  I asked him also if he could take himself out of the situations that were stressing him, but he could not.  So I offered him the opportunity to speak with me as an outlet whenever he needed someone to talk to.

Normally most people wouldn’t do this, but again, I was pulled in by something I couldn’t quite express, a positive thing.  This young man also offered me some advice.  He sensed that there was a heaviness, with my presence and I admitted that I had been experiencing tightness in my chest, from anxiety.  I knew the feeling well, but it always could catch me by surprise.  So, he asked me what was troubling me and I explained.  I have been worried about my first talk alone with a large group of parents and students.  He proceeded to ask me if I remembered what feeling compelled me to help him, and I said that I did. 

He said something to the effect of, “That feeling is what guides you to help people, just like you helped me, you will be helping those students, looking into their eyes and seeing uncertainty and fear about their future.  It is your job to ease those fears, and help them see if what you have to offer at your school is what they need.”

All these things are things I have known, but sometimes I find it is necessary to hear those words from a complete stranger, to recognize that these people will likely put more trust in you than fear.  They want a good future for themselves.  The parents want a good future for their children.  If I do my best, that’s all I can really do right? I am starting to believe it, slowly, but at least it’s another start. 

Baby steps, I keep telling myself, little baby steps and eventually it will all come together.  I am here to help people, to make a difference in their lives and help them pursue their dreams.  And that’s, a good feeling!

Now my lunch break is over, I’ve got to get to a meeting, later all!